Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. You know what else does? Performing an all-gourd reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes-specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”Ĭarving orange pumpkins sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes.

I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table.

Glass shows up black in arnold for maya